1ST AFFAIR
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage
daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure
enough delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to
his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern
look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
2ND AFFAIR
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly
rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't
move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their
bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about
the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen
and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he
said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for
three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
3RD AFFAIR
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't
talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something
that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all
right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I - I slept with your sister, your best
friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."
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1st:
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office (the customer is always right!)
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. “Where did you get this money?”
The old lady replied, “I make bets.”
The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”
The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”
“Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!”
The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”
“Sure,” said the president, I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”
The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?”
“Sure!” replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent
a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!”
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
“Well, Okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.” Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?”
She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I’d have The Bank of Canada’s president’s balls in my hand
2nd:
A little old lady goes to the store to buy cat food. When she gets up to the checkout line, the cashier tells her, "I am really sorry mam, but I cannot let you buy that cat food. You see, our supervisor will not let us sell cat food to the elderly without proof that they own a cat, because he found that old people have been eating the food themselves. If you want this cat food, you need to bring your cat in."
So she leaves, and comes back with her cat.
Three weeks later, she stops in again, and this time she tries to buy dog food. And again, she is told to bring back her dog. At this point the old woman is just fed up. She leaves the store and comes back later with her poodle.
About a month later, she returns to the same grocery store with a little box in her hand. The box has a small hole in the top. She finds the cashier and asks her to stick her finger in the box. Reluctantly, the cashier does, and when she pulls her finger out, it has shit on it. The cashier freaks out--"This is shit!!"
"That's right, my dear," the old lady says. "Now, I would like some toilet paper, please..."
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office (the customer is always right!)
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. “Where did you get this money?”
The old lady replied, “I make bets.”
The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”
The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”
“Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!”
The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”
“Sure,” said the president, I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”
The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?”
“Sure!” replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent
a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!”
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
“Well, Okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.” Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?”
She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I’d have The Bank of Canada’s president’s balls in my hand
2nd:
A little old lady goes to the store to buy cat food. When she gets up to the checkout line, the cashier tells her, "I am really sorry mam, but I cannot let you buy that cat food. You see, our supervisor will not let us sell cat food to the elderly without proof that they own a cat, because he found that old people have been eating the food themselves. If you want this cat food, you need to bring your cat in."
So she leaves, and comes back with her cat.
Three weeks later, she stops in again, and this time she tries to buy dog food. And again, she is told to bring back her dog. At this point the old woman is just fed up. She leaves the store and comes back later with her poodle.
About a month later, she returns to the same grocery store with a little box in her hand. The box has a small hole in the top. She finds the cashier and asks her to stick her finger in the box. Reluctantly, the cashier does, and when she pulls her finger out, it has shit on it. The cashier freaks out--"This is shit!!"
"That's right, my dear," the old lady says. "Now, I would like some toilet paper, please..."
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Cowboy Boots
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An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are from Austin, Texas.
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and is walking proudly all the way home.He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's so different? It's hanging down today it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AND ADMIRING MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!"
To which Bessie replies, ever so slowly, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam.
Ya shoulda bought a hat."
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An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are from Austin, Texas.
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and is walking proudly all the way home.He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's so different? It's hanging down today it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AND ADMIRING MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!"
To which Bessie replies, ever so slowly, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam.
Ya shoulda bought a hat."
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Good one.GTI VR6 wrote:what do you call 300 hundred white men chasing 1 black man?
the PGA tour.
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if did was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
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hahaha i cant stop laughing....gud one rx7even
rxse7en wrote:Good one.GTI VR6 wrote:what do you call 300 hundred white men chasing 1 black man?
the PGA tour.
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if did was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
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Thanks guys.
some corny stuff
why is 6 afraid of 7?
because 7 8 9..
I really liked this one.
Dear Ma and Pa:
> I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
> Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
> Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
>
> I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6
> a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
>
> Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and
> shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood
> to split, fire to lay. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's
> warm water.
>
> Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
> bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried
> eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can
> always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus
> yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.
>
> It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route
> marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.
> If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route
> march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
> Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The
> country is nice but awful flat.
>
> The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.
> The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride
> around and frown. They don't bother you none.
>
> This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
> medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as
> a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the
> Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable
> and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in
> boxes.
>
> Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training.
> You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful
> though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole
> bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug
> Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up
> the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8"
> and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
>
> Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
> get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
>
> Your loving daughter,
> Gail
some corny stuff
why is 6 afraid of 7?
because 7 8 9..
I really liked this one.
Dear Ma and Pa:
> I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
> Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
> Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
>
> I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6
> a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
>
> Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and
> shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood
> to split, fire to lay. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's
> warm water.
>
> Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
> bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried
> eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can
> always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus
> yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.
>
> It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route
> marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.
> If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route
> march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
> Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The
> country is nice but awful flat.
>
> The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.
> The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride
> around and frown. They don't bother you none.
>
> This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
> medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as
> a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the
> Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable
> and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in
> boxes.
>
> Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training.
> You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful
> though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole
> bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug
> Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up
> the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8"
> and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
>
> Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
> get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
>
> Your loving daughter,
> Gail
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Blind man blonde joke
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A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"!!! The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...
1 - The bartender is a blonde woman.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler
and
5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., black belt in Karate and a very bad attitude!... Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says; "Naaaah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"!!! The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...
1 - The bartender is a blonde woman.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler
and
5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., black belt in Karate and a very bad attitude!... Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says; "Naaaah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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ershad, tony blair and george bush ekta islande stranded hoiye gasiloh.... out of nowwhre ekta bishal monster ashe oder bollo.... ami tomader khaiya felboh.......kintu tino jonni jorreshorre nah bolteh laglo......." apne boss, apne shob,,, apne jah bolen tai korboh.. plz plz maf korre den".....tohkon monster tah oder ekta 2nd chance dilloh..... bolse... tomader je kono ekta fruitz dosh tah niye passa diye dhukaite hobe.... but dey cant have ne reactionz watsoever.... 1st e tony blair doshta apple niye aishe....... ekta.... duita.... tintah.. chartah.... ehhhhhh... pashta.... since oh reaction korse... oke khaiya felse.... tarpor da smartass bush dosto angur niye aasche...... now daz quite easy... ekta ... duita.. tinta,,, char.......pasta choitah, shatha, atta, noita....... hotat korre hehehe kre hashe disee....... okeo khaiya felse monster tah...... so bush ar blair jokhon monsterer patte dekha hoise ..... blair bolle... bush.... tumi toh noita dhukai felseila.... ar ekta paro nai keno..... bush replied..... jokhon noitah dhukaise.. tokhon dekhi ershad doshta kathal niye aise....... :blue_redface:
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